So I'm going to *try* to keep this updated daily. That means likely letting my other journal fade into the sunset but I think that may be best for the meantime.
Recap for 01/21/09
Training: FB workout
Cardio: 30 min run & 5 min cool down
Eats
Rice cake, PB2 & light cool whip (sounds odd but it's yummy!)
Egg whites, ground turkey breast, peppers & onions, 2% cheese & english muffin
Granola bar & banana
Cedar Lane burrito & yogurt
Apple
Refried black beans, wheat tortillas, 2% cheese & light ranch
Notes: Cardio is tentative as noted. I have my shoes & shorts to get a run in after work with the thought that I could sleep in a bit tomorrow instead of heading to the gym before work. I'm sleepy though & not feeling it so I will decide on the way home.
ETA: Completed cardio as noted above & added final meal.
I mentioned yesterday that I'm working with a friend on accountability. The premise of the "exercise" is based on Bob Green's Best Life book. He presents questions. I thought I'd share one of the ones that is weighing heavily on my mind today.
What is keeping you from your goal? Emotionally and literally...
This really makes me think. I think I have a defeatist attitude maybe. Like I got there once & that was my chance. I blew trying to do better than that. Healthy goal weight wasn’t enough so I competed & now that backfired on me so I feel maybe I didn’t deserve the goal weight. (WOW, I don’t ever think I’ve “said” that outloud. That makes me sad.)
Literally, I’m gripped by fear that I just don’t have it in me anymore. That I have to plan plan plan to make it work even though I know that’s not the be all end all of what will take me back there. I feel like there must be rules followed & I really freak out when I think I’m doing something wrong by not doing this or that, following what people think I should do, etc. I makes me feel anxious & physically nauseous sometimes. It stresses me out so much that I just don’t eat.
Something else that comes to mind is that I’ve always been the fat girl. As a child, high school, college, etc. I may have been thinner at times but always the “big girl.” I suspect in my mind I don’t wonder if I’m fated to be that person forever. I don’t want to be her, she wasn’t healthy, happy or enjoying everything that life had to offer. I don’t want to be her. Did I say that?
Somewhere in my head those thoughts exist & I didnt realize it until I really thought about it. The first portion of my response is really what hit hard for me. I never ever knew that was in my head yet it came out so clearly & without any hesitation. I'm glad though. Now I can get past it!
That's all for now.
Make your today count!
